A year ago, Rob was recovering from cardioversion and Tommy was learning to use a PMV. I wish I could remember more. I wish I knew that I only had 3 more months with Tommy. Yes, I cherished every single moment with him, but looking back, out of thousands and thousands of pictures, there seems like there could have been more. I could have made more videos in addition to the 75 or so I have. MORE kisses, MORE hugs, more everything.
Never got around to having that family portrait done. World's biggest regret.
Last night riding home from work, he was heavy in my thoughts. I didn't even realize what the date was. Just missing him a lot last night. I wish for sleep so often and pray for dreams of him, so I can hold him again. I watch his videos and look at pictures. No matter what, he was content. He knew the meaning of true and perfect love. He didn't know his life was a struggle. He didn't know he was sick. He didn't know how hard we worked to keep him healthy.
What he did know was humor. Laughter, silliness, jokes. He knew affection and learned to give kisses. He LOVED to blow the nurses kisses from his crib. He knew acceptance. He knew love.
I will never forget the day we were in Walmart. We rarely took him inside because of germs. But he was doing well and we couldn't keep him locked up forever, so we loaded him and all of his equipment into the stroller. We had oxygen tanks in the bottom of the stroller, his emergency bag and his suction machine down there too. His feeding pump came with us too if it was meal time. So here's my happy baby with his trach front and center, hooked to oxygen over it, and carrying enough medical equipment to stock a small ICU. I was sitting in the pharmacy waiting for his medications when these two little girls came up to him. They were about 6. Before I could stop them, they leaned into the stroller and stole a kiss from Tommy! He beamed from ear to ear. At first, I was scared they might have colds, but then it dawned on me that they never even saw he had a trach! They just thought he was the cutest little guy ever and kissed him and ran away. It was beautiful! I knew he had a way of drawing in the nurses at the hospital with that sly little grin of his, but that was the hospital. This was the first time somebody treated him like a typical kid. I don't know who the little girls were. Maybe they were Angels sent from Heaven to keep an eye on my little guy.
Maybe Tommy is out there somewhere, brightening someones day today. I picture him in the grocery with an Angel mom, him sitting in the cart with that gorgeous smile and bright blue eyes of his. Maybe someone is having a terrible day and when they pass by, Tommy flashes that grin and blows a kiss, making the bad day melt away.
Maybe he is that breeze on my cheek or the smell of the honeysuckle at night. Tommy was too big for his body. 9 months ago, he had to leave it behind, so that he may soar! His spirit was too mighty and too big to be stuck in such a little body.
And in that moment between falling asleep and beginning to dream, I feel his presence with me. In my dreams, we play and laugh. Cuddle and snuggle. In my dreams I get to hold my baby again. In my dreams, Tommy is whole. He giggles and breathes. Most of my dreams are the same. The doctors made a mistake. He didn't die. He's right here and I have to remember how to take care of him again. Then I realize he doesn't need all of that care!
I am blessed to have been Tommy's mother. I would gladly suffer the pain of losing him every day for the rest of my life until he is in my Heavenly arms again, just to have had the privilege to have held him on this Earth.