Today was one of those dreaded days. The one where every little thing brought up memories of Tommy and I had to brush away the tears. Normally, this would have been okay, but it happened while I was at work.
It started with the rain. For some reason, the sound of the rain and the angle I looked out the front doors were just right and a memory came rushing back to me and nearly knocked me down.
We sang and signed "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to Tommy all of the time. He loved it! It took him several months to get all of the motions down, but we would catch him practicing all the time. One day, we had the front door open as it rained outside. We all liked to watch the rain fall. Tommy too. On this particular day, as we watched the rain, Tommy's expression changed. He got very excited and pointed out the door. He then started signing the motions to "Itsy Bitsy Spider". "Down came the rain and washed the spider out..." then he clapped his hands in glee! He realized that the rain outside was rain and the signs clicked in his head. It was such a beautiful moment.
So there I was at work, watching the rain, and seeing the scene above play over and over in my head. I fanned my face and chased away the tears, but my day was filled with his memory. Every song on the radio, every raindrop. The mommy who carried in her little girl that was about 2 years old. How can such a happy memory make me feel so sad??
I refer to these days as my low cope days. Days when my coping skills are so thin you can see through them. There's nothing really that you can do for a low cope day but muddle through it. Allow myself to grieve. I have come to realize that I will never stop feeling like he died yesterday. I guess some days I am better at ignoring the pain than others.
I guess I have to be like the "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
"The Itsy Bitsy Spider
went up the water spout
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out
Out came the sun and
dried up all the rain and
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
went up the spout again."