Thursday, May 7, 2009

Funeral Today

How do I feel today? I'm tired. Worn out. I'm feeling guilty because I'm not mourning my mamaw's death. I want to skip the funeral today, but I'm going because of my mom. Sure, I'm sad she's gone and I will miss her greatly once I have taken down this wall and let the sadness in. But for now, I feel so...so...I can't find any words.

I went to her visitation yesterday. Commented on how pretty the casket was. Beautiful flowers. Such pretty flowers. My mother in law was with me and I know she was feeling the same way. We looked at the wall paper, commented on the flowers, and both of us were thinking the unspoken. That it made us remember the last time we were in a funeral home.

I don't know why I am putting myself through this. I ran to the hospital to be by her bedside with the rest of my family when she passed away. I went to the visitation and now I'm going to the funeral this morning. Inside, it all feels like obligation and going through the motions. I know I will regret it later if I don't go. I guess it feels very technical and analytical to me right now. Autopilot. I almost wish this funeral was about someone I didn't care so much about. I feel like I'm not ready to grieve another loss. My mind just won't let me.

I've yet to cry. It bothers me that I don't feel that sadness, but maybe it's just my body's way of coping. I just watched another person I love die in front of me. Why did I do that to myself? What was I trying to prove? How strong I am? Time to get back into the swing of things? I feel so fake and phony right now attending this funeral.

I feel like I owe my mamaw a proper goodbye. It's respectful that I be at her funeral. I know this in my head. But my heart. It won't be bothered with any of the details and has slammed the door in my face. I know the entire time will be filled with nothing but memories of Tommy's funeral and I doubt I will even remember much about today. My mind is so cloudy with his memory right now.

I know there is no right or wrong way to feel when a person is grieving. People may think I am cold and pissed off today. Really, it's just that I don't know how to deal with any of it. My mind keeps dwelling on who's next and death is starting to feel like a business arrangement instead of raw emotion. Where did my feelings go? When did I get so jaded?

2 comments:

Marissa said...

Oh Rene, you're not jaded. Quite the opposite. You care so much. You are a grieving mama and you are allowed to still feel Tommy's loss. Losing your Mamaw just compounded that sorrow.

If people can't see that and think you are cold or pissed off today, that's their problem. I understand they might be family, but if they can't understand where you are coming from on this subject, that is too bad for them.

You are a great person and a wonderful mom. I can tell you loved your Mamaw very much.

You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Alicia

Christy said...

Rene,

I'm sorry. You gotta do whatever you gotta do to get through the day. Don't feel about that. Or at least try not to feel bad about it.

Hang in there. Thinking of you,
Christy

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries