Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Don't Leave Me

How long before your memory fades from my mind? How long before you fade from the mind of others? You stay alive in my heart, but what if I start to forget you? Please don't leave me, sweet boy. Let me forever remember the smell of your head and the look of mischief in your eyes when you smiled.

Let me have memories of you laughing and playing. Never let me forget the pain we went through.

So many have gone before, and and so many more have joined you in Heaven. I hate to hear someone else has earned their wings, but it's happening over and over again. It hurts.

I miss you. I love you.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


Today was a most thankful day. I'm thankful for being able to watch the Macy's parade with my boys, even if I fell asleep after the 4th balloon. I'm thankful for two families that love me and love my boys with all of their hearts. I'm thankful I have a warm bed to sleep and a roof over my head to keep out the rain.

I'm thankful I can complain my feet hurt after working 10 hour shifts, because I HAVE a job to be thankful for. I'm thankful for my cats and that they are good mousers. That's really important when living in the sticks.

I'm thankful for friends that don't care if the house is a little messy or if I don't have anything to offer them out of the fridge. I'm thankful to have Internet access to be able to keep up with the friends I can't be with. I'm thankful for loud music that keeps me motivated to work.

I'm thankful for my kids. My beautiful, beautiful kids. I'm thankful for their fathers that gave them to me. I'm thankful for my health and the health of the ones I love.

I'm thankful for justice for those that truly deserve it. I'm thankful for peace for those that deserve it even more.

I'm thankful I am loved. Thankful I am blessed.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Life Update...And Being Thankful

Life has been life lately, I guess. We all have our own issues that we deal with. Halloween was celebrated a day late for us because of my work schedule and because the day before I attended a beautiful wedding and our entire family was just exhausted. So on Monday night, we carved pumpkins with grandma and had a few pieces of candy. I've promised them each their own bag when I go grocery shopping and can buy it on clearance.

I spend most of my days the same. I get up at 7 and put the boys on the bus and then for about an hour or two I have some quiet time with my cats. I catch up on my email, blog, maybe watch an episode of "Glee". Around 9 I head to bed and sleep until around 3. The boys get home at 4, then I'm off to work. It's about a 30 minute drive. They hang out with dad for the evening while I work, then sometime around midnight, I'm back on the road for home, getting home close to 1 in the morning. I pour the kids in bed and start a load of laundry. While it's washing, I cook dinner and watch something on Netflix while I update Facebook. Around 3, I toss the clothes in the dryer on my way to bed. Three hours later, I'm back up again to put the kids on the bus and start over. It's a ridiculous schedule, but we do what we gotta do.

The holidays are coming up. Its a weird time for me. Growing up, Thanksgiving was all about the parade, having family over, and eating for days. When I became an adult, it stayed pretty much the same until Tommy was born. The next two Thanksgivings would both be in the hospital. The first one recovering from open heart surgery and complications, the second one while he battled the flu for two weeks. The next year my life would be upside down. I was back in KY with my family, but without my baby boy. I had so much to be thankful for, and yet, so much reason not to care. I went through the motions, but it stung watching the country "be thankful" when all I wanted was to hold my baby, even if it meant in a hospital.

Last year was a little better. I missed the parade for the first time since I can't remember. I guess my priorities have changed. I shed the old me and was reborn. This has been a year of self discovery for me. I'm learning to be thankful again. Mostly, I've been learning to be myself.

A few months ago, I started wearing tee shirts with silly sayings on them when I went to work. People love to come in and see what shirt I will be wearing that day. I also have pink streaks in my hair. They're growing out, so I plan to redo them in the near future. I do these things because life is too short not to enjoy every moment. Every emotion I have now seems intensified. I laugh louder, cry bigger tears, fight harder, love stronger. The way I live my life is a tribute to my son. If he could spend his entire life celebrating the JOY, then so can I.

If I am thankful for anything, I am thankful for his life. Thankful I was (and will always be) his mom. Thankful for the joy, the love, the tears and the strength he brought to my life in his short time with me on this Earth. Thankful he taught me to be who I am and to live life with no regrets, just lessons learned. To know that tears are cleansing, and that he's always with me. Thankful for the perfect love a little boy named Tommy taught me and the rest of the world.

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries