Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tomorrow marks 6 months

Isn't he beautiful? Tomorrow marks 6 months since he's been gone. I've been having weird deja vu around the house lately. The feeling that "oh, I've got to check on Tommy!" only to realize he's not here. Our new trailer is set up almost identical to the one we had in SC. I have caught myself walking passed what would have been his room and getting the feeling I'm not here, but there. I'm startled to see a loveseat and boxes instead of his crib. Then I remember he's gone. I guess its all part of the grieving process. My mind could not deal with all of it at once so I as I am mentally capable, my mind gives me a small piece to handle.

I went with Rob to the doctor today. He's fine, just a check up. I worry about him with his heart problems too. All is well and I think we've found a great new team to handle his issues. But sitting in the exam room reminded me of the many, many times I've sat in one similar. Cardiology, ENT, Pulmonolgy, Pediatrician, Nurse visits for shots. The room felt so empty without that huge stroller and Tommy's gear. Rob found out he needed a booster shot and blood drawn. He's not a fan of needles and he grumbled about it to me. It set me to tears. All I could remember was how many times I watched Tommy get stuck. His poor little veins blowing out and the nurse starting over. My poor baby! (Rob sucked it up and took it like a man, by the way)

I asked Rob if all of the pain we put Tommy through so that he may live another day was worth it. We agreed that it was. We miss him so much and wish he'd been with us longer. We wish he were still here with us. How beautiful it would have been to see Tommy be able to run across the field with his brothers. To have finally made it free from the trach and had the heart surgeries to get him to adulthood. Some days it's just too much to deal with. I put it out of my mind and go about my day.

Then there are days like today, where I let the tears flow and my fingers fly across the keys, letting it all out. I want to say that my life is full of love and happiness because it really is. I'm just not the same person I was 6 months ago. I have a life full of love and happiness because life is too short to NOT reach out there and grab it with both hands and never let go. Tommy's life and death have changed me on so many different levels. I never knew I could be so strong.

I made it a point to visit him today at the cemetery. I found his lighthouse that had been buried under the snow and ice. I straighted everything up and let the wind fill the cemetery with bubbles. I know he would have loved that! I kissed his marker with my finger tips and told him how much I loved him and missed him. I didn't stay long. I hardly do. I still can't believe his grave looks as fresh today as it did the day we buried him. I wonder how I will feel when spring comes and grass begins to grow?

Sitting here today, 6 months later, my life has something I've never experienced before. I have peace. Calm. When I feel the wind on my face, it is a kiss from Heaven. When I sleep at night and dream of my sweet baby boy, I know when I wake up that it was a gift from God to see my son again. He feels alive and real in my arms when I am sleeping. I will weep often for my son, but I will do so with the peace in my heart that he lived his life knowing every single day that I loved him. I have no regrets. None. I grieve for my own selfish reasons. I want to smell his hair. I want to hear that laugh. I want a kiss and baby hugs. I want to see him run across that field to me. Someday.

1 comment:

Susan said...

Beautifully written Rene. I'm glad you've found peace and a new outlook on life. Hugs.

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries