Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Last One Has Gone....

I feel used and unappreciated. She has been my best friend since I was 13 and she was 12. We've been through babies, husbands, and cross country moves. She was there when I married Rob and held my hand when I gave birth to Tommy. Now, several months ago, nearly a year, her family was blown apart by allegations of abuse and her kids were sent to live with relatives. I say they are allegations because I have been to her house so much I know what goes on over there. I know her kids don't listen to her or her husband, and if anything the kids were running the house. Now they are jumping through DSS hoops.

So, back when I was pregnant, everything with us was great! Super supportive. She watched the boys whenever I needed to be in the hospital or at the hospital when Tommy was born. She stayed up half the night with me the day he had his heart surgery. So what went wrong? Around the time I brought Tommy home finally, our relationship took on a new dynamic. She has always been the Mother Hen type. Even though I am a few months older, she has always tried to mother me, just as she has every one else in this world. I have always been self sufficient and didn't really need the extra mom, but it made her happy, so I played weak to her strong.

Going through Tommy's health crisis has made me strong. So strong that I think she is threatened by who I have become. I don't know. When he came home, it was very important that he stick close to home because of the equipment he needs for sleeping. We used to spend the night at her house a lot, but now that isn't possible. We tried it once and it was such a hassle. Forget her coming over here. We live 30 minutes apart, and she can't afford the gasoline.

So now to my feeling of being used and unappreciated. I had heard nothing from her in two months. I emailed and got no reply. Then last weekend she calls me out of the blue with a "proposition". She missed me and would I come spend the weekend at her house? Wow. I was looking forward to this! She starts talking about how there isn't much in the cupboard, but we could come up with something. I am thinking her proposition is if I bring some food, she will cook. THEN she says if I come to her house, her kids can come visit. She is allowed supervised visitations and I could be the supervisor. It took me back a little, but I was feeling generous. She sees them every day, but this was a chance to have them spend the night and play with my boys.

Then her husband interrupts our phone conversation to tell her their case worker had vetoed the visit because it would be at their house and this was not allowed. She tells me no big deal, please come over anyway. I try to call her later that night to tell her Rob hasn't come home to run it by him yet, and she is in a bad mood. I guess she had some sort of falling out with her mother in law (who has the younger two kids). She never calls back. All weekend. Here it is on Thursday, and not a peep. So that's it. I can come over if it benefits her, but she really didn't want to see me. She wanted me to babysit the situation so she could bend the rules. At least that is how I feel. Rob now tells me he doesn't want me at their house because he doesn't want to get mixed up with DSS. I guess he feels like if we associate with them it makes us open to investigation as well. I think he is a little paranoid, but he is my husband and I am not going to choose her over him. I don't care how long we have been friends. If you can call it that these days.

I have no one left. My entire family is 600 miles away and my best friend is too wrapped up her own problems for me to lean on her. Rob can only take so much. So where does that leave me? I have made friends on the Internet, but none of them can swing by and visit. I am worried because I am going to need someone in a few weeks when Tommy has surgery, and there is not going to be anyone there. My only support system exists on the Internet. No human faces, nobody to hug or share laughs with.

How can she do this to me? I need her and she can't even hear me screaming for help.


Nancy said...

Hon, I sure wish we lived close enough for my to stop by and visit. We have so much in common! When Jess was a baby I lost all my friends too. I was either at the doctor's office, hospital with her deathly ill or stuck at home and I couldn't take her out anywhere. I had a toddler and my husband was working and going to school so I rarely saw him either. I had some family in town but they ran away screaming right along with all my friends so they weren't much of a support either.

I couldn't attend church much due to Jess being so ill, so I didn't feel their support as much as I had hoped. But then I called my Relief Society president and asked for a little help when Jess was hospitalized. Like I said, I had a toddler who couldn't really spend all that time in the hospital with me. My RS president was very helpful and over time we developed a friendship. It took awhile for me to be able to get back to church regularly but at least I knew that the RS president was on my side.

Why don't you give it a try? You may be surprised at how many people will come to your aide as you prepare for Tommy's surgery. It's obvious that your other boys can't stay at the hospital all day with you and they might make some great friends if they go and stay at other member's homes. You just might make some friends for yourself, too.

Like I said, I wish I could hang out with you but we are too far away. Pray about it and ask that your ward's heart are opened and that they will helpful and loving.

Anonymous said...

I am with you on the wishy-washy friend thing. I had a good friend who was always having one self made drama or another and wanting the lament over it for hours and hours and for me to tell her how to fix it. Even if I did SUGGEST something, she never tried it( guy drama - ask the guy out = over with) instead whine , whine , whine. Now , don't get me wrong , I loved her and still do one some level I guess but I could only take so much in the end.
After Jamie (DH) and I got engaged I settled down A LOT. I used to be the wild pierced girl with the crazy hair rocking out at concerts and getting backstage. (Not bad for a fat chick ,huh?lol) I wanted to spend evenings in, just hanging out, catching up with people she had kinda/inadvertently pushed out of my life but she was always welcomed. Of course, this ticked her off. By the time I was in the hospital she and I were hardly talking.
At one point I starting going into labor at 24 weeks, they held it off but it was VERY iffy and we talked about 'letting nature take it's course' when it came to the baby because it was becoming such a danger to me. My DH calls her and tells her what is going on - she shows up 4 days later.
When I hemorrhaged and had to have an emergency C-section at 26 wks again DH calls her because it is looking bad for both the baby and I. I know she was there because she left some flowers but she never checked back in. She has no ideal if I or the baby is even alive to this day.
Like you said , I have enough REAL drama going on , do not need any extra , lol !
I noticed many of my other friend drifted away once Sebastian was born - I think they were scared of him. One of the guy friends who is the self boasting , macho man type came to see Sebastian and I in the hospital and I remember him being so pale and freaked out. DH had taken each of our friends to see Sebastian to say hello & goodbye to him and said the friend hardly looked at him , just stared at the floor mostly.
Wow, sorry this got so long, just wanted to let you know I understood where you are coming from.

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries