Friday, March 19, 2010


From Google Health: (full article here)

Major depression is when a person has five or more symptoms of depression for at least 2 weeks. These symptoms include feeling sad, hopeless, worthless, or pessimistic. In addition, people with major depression often have behavior changes, such as new eating and sleeping patterns.

This is my diagnosis. I've struggled with depression since my teens. Back then they told me my diagnosis was chronic recurrent depression, but when Tommy passed away,  I slipped into Major Depression. There's no going back. For many years, I was on a low dose of antidepressants off and on. When I was diagnosed with MD, my dose was upped and I have been on it for over a year. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am not able to get medication at the time. Despite the fact that I have been well managed for so long, since I am new to the area, the clinic that follows me requires me to do talk therapy for 3 months before giving me meds. The problem with this is that I must meet with the director of the clinic first and she only sees people on certain days at certain times, which just happens to be while I am working. I've tried to work around this, but one thing leads to another and I'm not able to get off of work on the day I need or she's book up if I can. Very frustrating.

Today I bought a bottle of St. John's Wort. It's probably nowhere as strong as the antidepressants I have been on, but it's better than nothing at this point. I've also decided I have this blog, so why not use it therapeutically?

Depression affects my life every single day. It is a medical condition that I cannot just "get over". Little things become very overwhelming. Being tired or hungry makes it worse because I am not at my best so it's harder to deal with symptoms. I cry often, many times for no reason. Maybe the song on the radio hit me the wrong way or maybe my husband didn't tell me he loved me at the right time. I get angry and irrational too. Sometimes it lasts for just a few minutes to several hours. I have to constantly remind myself that life really isn't this bad, and that my depression skews my view.

To say that my emotional life is a struggle is an understatement. Imagine one moment you are having a fine, ordinary day and WHAM! Suddenly you feel as if everything you've ever done in your life is a waste, your kids are better off without you, you call yourself a loser, and pick fights with those you love. For a few hours, you are stuck in a puddle of feelings of being worthless. Eventually, it goes away. Usually after sleep. While on medications, days like these might happen once every two months. Without medication, it's 24/7. A constant fight that I battle with myself.

Years of therapy have taught me that I am worthwhile. I am entitled to my feelings, but I cannot let them rule my life. That is where this blog is coming into play. I cannot, CANNOT keep things bottled inside. The words, the feelings, the emotions MUST come out in order to move on each day. Some of the things I write might be uncomfortable. I don't know that for a fact just yet, but I will be writing in order to get things off of my chest. Comments are welcome, but try to keep things positive and use constructive criticism. The worst thing a person with depression needs is more pressure and negativity.

I am trying to heal. While I have no secrets, not everything I've been through in my life is know by everyone. I came from abuse, married abuse (divorced abuse) and finally when life was going well, we had and then lost Tommy. I don't like being depressed. I don't like hiding my tears from the customers at the store. Life should be filled with laughter, as it's been said before, this blog is a place to empty my thoughts when they become too much.

Thanks for coming along for the ride. There is NO shame in having a mental condition such as depression. I pray someone will come across one of my posts and recognize themselves and seek their own therapy.


Robert... said...

whilst i see the logic (good logic) behind trying therapy etc before medication, they have to be able to approach this practically. it is INSANE that you are struggling because of a stupid policy.

Susan said...

Rene I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through this. Although I do think processing all you've been through could be very good. I hope it helps, but if it doesn't I hope you get your prescription. (((HUGS)))

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries