Today was one of those days where I missed Tommy so desperately. I was at work and just couldn't stop thinking about him. Rob and I were talking last night about when we decided to add to our family, how excited we were to get pregnant with Tommy. I feel so cheated. I wanted that pregnancy. I wanted a beautiful perfect little one to add to our family. I should have a two year old following me around calling me mommy 2000 times a day, driving me crazy.
I don't ever want anyone to think that I would have ever changed Tommy or who he was. Not EVER. I would have gone through it all over again. But why when I took such good care of myself before and during the pregnancy did I have a sick baby? Why when he was born so sick and I fought so hard for him every day of his life did he die anyway? Why are there so many parents out there having kids they don't want or can't care for when my body cannot withstand another pregnancy? So many whys.
Back to the conversation with Rob. After sharing much of this with him as I have here, he tells me "It wasn't God's plan". How can I question that? My heart aches so much to have Tommy back. I hold him in my dreams, but I wake so sad. I haven't visited his grave in weeks. It hurts Rob too much. It honestly doesn't bring me much comfort either.
I have found something that does bring me some comfort. I look at this beautiful yard full of life. Birds, squirrels, cats, deer, flowers, trees. It is an explosion of spring time out there. Flowers are blooming all over the yard and the grass is green. We can see green for miles. No highways, no factories, just green. Looking around the yard a couple of days ago with Rob, I told him how peaceful and full of comfort this place gives me. It was a sunny day with a warm breeze. I shared with him that we could have never lived here if Tommy were alive. We're too far out in the country. His medical needs were too great to be this far away from a doctor. Rob agreed with me.
And then it hit me, tears and all. It was if the wind whispered the answer to me. "Mommy, I'm sorry I had to go away, but I want you to live here because I want you to see what Heaven looks like too."