Rob and I are headed back to Charleston today. His mom has our older two boys, so Rob and I will be alone for a few weeks. What a strange time. I've always had a child by my side for the past 17 years. This is a new experience and I've got so many mixed feelings. Sure, it's going to be nice having alone time with Rob and not having to deal with fights and whining, but on the other hand, I'm going back to that empty house with all of Tommy's memories. I don't know how I'm going to deal with it all yet. Since he died, I have not had one moment alone to just let it all out. Once I'm there alone with my thoughts, I'm sure the tears will just flow and flow until I can't cry anymore.
I have not greived him. I know he's gone. I've been back to his fresh grave site and seen it with my own eyes that he is no longer here, but in the back of my mind, I can just pick up the phone and call 7C and hear him in the background flirting with the nurses. Oh, how I miss those baby kisses of his! I have TONS of video and pictures. I'm in process of burning them all to CD and eventually, I will upload them all up to not only youtube, but will have them made into a montage of his wonderful, short, miraculous life.
Please feel free to read back over the past year here on our blog, and our carepage, where I kept up with all of Tommy's medical experiences. It is a free website, but you do have to register. This just gives you the ability to access the page. You'll also get an email if I ever update it. It is www.carepages.com and his page name is ThomasLeeDereksen (no spaces). The AHA Heart Walk is coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm participating, but I will be SOOOO emotional. It's going to fall on the one month anniversary of his death and just 5 days before his birthday.
Please keep us in your prayers as Rob and I begin this new chapter in our lives.