Thursday, September 11, 2008

Baby Steps Forward

It's been 3 weeks and one day since my precious son was in my arms. I have tried to grieve, and the tears come only when I least expect them. They don't last long and most of the time, they just run down my face without a sound. I've been spending some time alone in the house, but I tend to just stay in my room.

I've gotten a few things packed up to send out to another family. I need to take them to the post office to weigh. I'm glad another family will benefit from his medical supplies, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do with things like his high chair, exersaucer, and carseat. I want them to go to another heart family who may not be able to afford them. I think it's time to call the hospital and talk to the nurses and social workers.

I had a job interview yesterday. I'm waiting for the background check to come back, but it's looking like I'll be starting next week. It's bittersweet. I worked there early in my pregnancy with Tommy and had to quit to go on bedrest, then found out a month later about his heart and knew I'd never be able to work there again, at least as long as Tommy was sick. Never did I think I'd be going back because Tommy was gone.

I got really angry today. I'm so upset that all I have left of Tommy are pictures. No baby to hold, no hair to rub, no baby kisses, no baby hugs. Just pictures. I miss him so much. I want my baby back in my arms. I'd do it all again for him. I'd sacrifice my life again and go through all of the pain and lack of sleep just to have my Sweet Tommy back.


Lisa said...

Oh Rene,
If I could carry some of that pain for you........I would.
I am so sorry and I hope things get easier for you.

Thinking of you through your trying time and sending you big bear hugs from Canada.


Suzanne said...

We all wish you had Tommy back to love on. I still can't fathom what each day must be like for you but you are never far from my thoughts.
Can you donate Tommy's things right to the hospital?
Hugs, Suzanne

Awesome Mom said...

I wish you could have him back too! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Rene -- we've been thinking about you...

Christy said...


Just wanted to let you know that I think about you every day. I wish there was some way to help you with the pain. I hope working will help you a bit and that in time, you'll heal some.

Thinking of you,

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries