I was there again. Back on that couch watching.
Tonight, since I couldn't watch the current episode of Boston Med until it posts online, I decided to watch last week's episode to get myself caught up. Someone was coding. In cardiac arrest. The words flashed on the screen as the doctor said them. "It's been 45 minutes. Call time." Oh, how I hate those words. That was how long CPR was done on Tommy. "Call time" has to be the most terrible words a doctor has to say, not including telling the families.
I don't know why I am drawn to medical programs. They fascinate me. I understand them. Even before Tommy was born, I loved them. You would think after practically living in a hospital that I would detest them, but I find myself drawn to them more now than ever. I guess it makes me feel like I am still a part of that world.
But why? Most of the time on these shows, there is a horrible, traumatic thing happen and then *poof!* Everyone is all better and going home. I guess I live in a fantasy world sometimes. I want the magic powder that makes everyone all better. I want to go back 2 years ago and have them sprinkle it on Tommy instead of saying, "Call Time".
Don't know if I watch to help myself cope, to see a miracle, to find a way to escape for an hour... I don't know. I guess it is the same reason I gravitate towards other families dealing with their own sick kids. I want to see the miracle happen, but can't help to be a little jealous. My husband tells me I need to stop, but I can't help it. There are so many kids out there that NEED one more prayer, one more person to show they care. How can I not? When Tommy was alive, these same people surrounded me with love and showed me tremendous support. Most of them are still here with me on this roller coaster ride now that he's gone.
Maybe I watch them to remind me that my own life is precious. That every life is precious and that there are good people out there trying to make us all well. To someday never have to say the words, "Call Time" because there will be a cure for CHD.