I can't seem to ever be able to fall asleep at night. I get all keyed up after the sun goes down. I've been up since 9 o'clock this morning, and now here it is, 18 hours later and I'm still going. I'm stressed about Tommy's upcoming heart cath...date to be announced when I get one...and more so, I'm trying so hard not to freak out about his swallow study on Monday. For the longest time, it didn't feel like it would ever get here, and now, here it is, just one short weekend away. Our fate lies in the results of a little barium and an xray.
The last two swallow studies, I gave in and gave him something like jello a week or so before, but this time, I'm scared to death! My gut says he's going to aspirate and there's nothing I can do to stop it. My head says to keep it together and just wait and see. My heart is completely breaking.
I am such an emotional train wreck right now. At night, I dream he is walking and talking, then during the day, I hear a song and a though pops into my head that it would sound pretty at his funeral. WHAT THE H*LL AM I THINKING????? He's alive, he's right there, sleeping in his crib. I can see him rubbing his little nose in his sleep. I was asked once why I could not accept the miracles that God has given me. I guess my subconscious is scared to lose him if we can't stop the aspirating.
It feels good to get it all out. To read it and know I'm not crazy or pathetic. I'm just a mommy trying to do what is best for her child and sometimes our hands are just tied. God didn't do this to me. It's nobody's fault. Tommy is loved and he knows it. I have to keep remembering to love him no matter what and to let what will be, will be.