My first Mother's Day without Tommy

Decided to let a little creativity flow. Miss you, sweet baby, Tommy!

It's Mother's Day on Earth today. The mommies get flowers, gifts made by little hands, and hugs and kisses all day long. There are new mommies, and mommies who've been here a time or two. There are mommies-to-be, grand-mommies and Angel mommies.

And there are mommies who want this day so badly, and those who want it to just go away. Mommies whose babies play in the clouds.

Mommies who hear faint giggles in the wind and every little one reminds you of yours. It's Mother's Day in Heaven too, where time stands still and laughter is everywhere. Angel babies run and play and listen to stories at the Angel mommies' feet. From Heaven, the Angel babies look down and call our names. Listen closely, they're saying "I love you, Mommy. In Heaven, EVERY day is Mother's Day!"

Outside!

I'm having a surreal moment. It's a gorgeous day outside and I sent the boys out to play. Something I could have NEVER done in Charleston. The neighborhood just wasn't a safe place. Here, we are out in the country surrounded by cows. We have a huge yard with green, green grass. Animals of all kinds wandering through the yard. Rabbits, birds, and at night, deer.

Here's where the surreal moment comes in to play. My boys don't know what to do with themselves outside. For two years in Charleston, they wanted to go outside any chance they got, but either the weather was way too hot, or Tommy needed my constant attention. For whatever reason, it didn't happen very often. Life is so strange. They wanted to play for the longest time and now that they can, they have no idea what to do with themselves.

There was only one way to solve this problem. Make them go outside and fend for themselves for one hour. I'm hoping their natural instincts as curious boys takes over. Eventually. As I type this, Brandon is trying to come inside so that he can watch a movie. Drat. I think he's trying to break down my screen door. When will my kids start to have a "normal" life?

The Breakthrough

I went to my Mamaw's funeral today feeling very mixed up, sad, confused and full of doubt. I picked up on the littlest things. Such as my brother being later than expected and my mom mumbling if he didn't hurry up she was gonna kill him. Um, mom... the irony cracked a smile on my face. He did make it time, slyly showing us the duct tape holding his shirt together where he was missing buttons on his good black dress shirt.

I looked at the sea of faces, seeing my cousins that I have not seen in 25 years all grown up into men and women with children of their own. I have never met my cousin, Rebecca's daughter. Wow! That little girl is her mom all over again! What a pretty little girl. I didn't recognize half of the people there. I was probably related to most of them, but since I haven't seen most of them since I was a child, I was mostly looking at their children to see who they looked like. Most people just stared at me. After a while, I figured out why. My mamaw's aunt Vonnie approached me and said "I know you're Ann's, (my mom), but I don't know which one you are!" It's then I realized I was no longer a child either and nobody recognized me! Weird moment.

Then "it" happened. The moment I was not expecting. The room filled with hushed whispers. "Dad's here, Here comes Nelson". My papaw had arrived. Slowly, with his cane, my papaw, dressed in his best jeans and plaid button down shirt, walked to the front of the room. As I watched, he leaned into the casket and gave my mamaw a kiss. It was the most tender moment I had ever witnessed in my entire life and my emotional wall crumbled before me. My eyes filled with tears and the grieving began.

During the service, I learned that my grandparents had been married for 59 years. 59!!! What a testament to love and perseverance. I never saw a bad word between them. They were each other's best friend. I want my marriage to be like theirs. Two best friends going through life together, loving each other and enjoying each other's company every moment of every day.

The service itself was a bit of a joke to me. My mamaw was not overtly religious and for a minister who never met her talk about the state of her soul for 30 minutes was a waste of hot air for me. I would have much rather heard about her life and not her death. I made it through, but thoroughly expected my mamaw to sit up and tell him he was full of horse....!

Rob came with me to the graveside service. She was laid to rest in the KY Veteran's Cemetery. It is such a beautiful place. Afterwords, we went back to my grandparent' house. It was good to be with family.

Funeral Today

How do I feel today? I'm tired. Worn out. I'm feeling guilty because I'm not mourning my mamaw's death. I want to skip the funeral today, but I'm going because of my mom. Sure, I'm sad she's gone and I will miss her greatly once I have taken down this wall and let the sadness in. But for now, I feel so...so...I can't find any words.

I went to her visitation yesterday. Commented on how pretty the casket was. Beautiful flowers. Such pretty flowers. My mother in law was with me and I know she was feeling the same way. We looked at the wall paper, commented on the flowers, and both of us were thinking the unspoken. That it made us remember the last time we were in a funeral home.

I don't know why I am putting myself through this. I ran to the hospital to be by her bedside with the rest of my family when she passed away. I went to the visitation and now I'm going to the funeral this morning. Inside, it all feels like obligation and going through the motions. I know I will regret it later if I don't go. I guess it feels very technical and analytical to me right now. Autopilot. I almost wish this funeral was about someone I didn't care so much about. I feel like I'm not ready to grieve another loss. My mind just won't let me.

I've yet to cry. It bothers me that I don't feel that sadness, but maybe it's just my body's way of coping. I just watched another person I love die in front of me. Why did I do that to myself? What was I trying to prove? How strong I am? Time to get back into the swing of things? I feel so fake and phony right now attending this funeral.

I feel like I owe my mamaw a proper goodbye. It's respectful that I be at her funeral. I know this in my head. But my heart. It won't be bothered with any of the details and has slammed the door in my face. I know the entire time will be filled with nothing but memories of Tommy's funeral and I doubt I will even remember much about today. My mind is so cloudy with his memory right now.

I know there is no right or wrong way to feel when a person is grieving. People may think I am cold and pissed off today. Really, it's just that I don't know how to deal with any of it. My mind keeps dwelling on who's next and death is starting to feel like a business arrangement instead of raw emotion. Where did my feelings go? When did I get so jaded?

Mamaw

My Mamaw Winnie passed away today. My papaw held one hand and my mom held the other as she took her last breath and her heart stopped beating. My aunts hugged each other and cried. I didn't. Couldn't. I just went into robot mode. Watching the monitors, praying she'd heal and that the doctors were wrong. I didn't go to see her in the hospital during the last few weeks. I had a feeling in my heart that she wasn't coming home and I didn't want to see her incoherent and possibly not know who I was. Today I went because I owed her a proper goodbye.

She was a spitfire of a woman. She too, lost a child and finally, finally can hold her lost baby in her arms tonight. She was big on family history and could name off relatives of years gone by from old photos. Up until the time she was placed in the hospital, she did everything on her own. She and Papaw were very independent.

She loved dolls of every kind and had an entire room in her basement dedicated to her collection. She collected geodes.. pieces of rock with beautiful crystals in the middle. She loved to sew and to quilt. She loved her dogs. There were many dogs along the way, but her favorite little guy was a terrier mix named Seymour Butts. Yes, she had a wonderful sense of humor. When I turned 18, she sat me down and let me watch the movie "Porkies". She thought it was one of the funniest movies ever.

I will never forget her. I love you, Mamaw.

Thankful and Blessed...One year ago.

I am so blessed.

It was a year ago that Tommy came home from the hospital from his LTP. My mother in law was in town to help us out. Rob was feeling ill. So much so, that he decided a trip to the ER was in order. His mom agreed to keep the boys, including Tommy. She had taken care of him before. Rob was okay to drive himself and I rode with him. He had been having trouble breathing and walking. He had been sleeping sitting up for several weeks. It took him about 15 or so minutes to walk the short distance from the parking lot to the ER. Once there, he sat and I told the nurse that my husband was having chest pain and shortness of breath. As it left my mouth, I knew it sounded bad.

He was admitted within seconds. His oxygen levels were in the low 90's. Uh-oh. Up until this point, we both thought it was a respiratory infection of some sort. They wheeled in a portable EKG. Within minutes, I heard them whispering "a-fib". His heart rate was through the roof, in the mid 200's. As soon as I heard them whispering, I knew we weren't going home.

The doctor came into the room and very bluntly told us that Rob's heart was failing and was having an irregular rhythm...Atrial Fibrillation. His heart could not stay this way. We would have to wait a few hours for a room, but in the meantime, they would start him on Lasix. Tommy was on Lasix, so it was not a new drug for us. It takes the fluid off the body. They gave him a jug with measurements on the side. It didn't take long to fill the jug over and over and over. Over the next few days, he would lose about 20 pounds just in fluids.

Once he was admitted a few hours later, the real "fun" began. The problem with CHF with A-fib is that is causes the top of the heart (the atria) to quiver instead of pump. Fluid backs up into the body causing swelling and blood clots can form. He was poked and prodded, given medication on top of medication. He had ultrasounds on his legs to look for clots and a trans esophageal echo cardiogram (TEE) to look for more clots in his heart. Once the doctors were certain that he didn't have a clot anywhere in his body, they set to converting his heart to natural rhythm.

Unfortunately, Rob's heart did not respond to chemical conversion. Instead, he was shocked back into rhythm. He came back to his room with a sunburn like area on his chest and his back. He was also diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. He was put on a CPAP machine and oxygen. Looking back, we were doing what we always did when we had a medical crisis. Finding out all of the information we could, then setting ourselves to autopilot to get through it all.

I stayed with Rob nearly every second. His mom brought the kids to visit every night. His room was huge! We hooked Tommy to the wall oxygen right next to daddy's, so the kids could stay as long as they wanted without depleting Tommy's oxygen tanks. It was good for all of us. The nurses brought the boys ice cream and encouraged them to stay as long as they wanted, as long as it was not overnight.

Rob spent a week in the hospital, then another 2 weeks at home. It took him a while to get his strength back, but once he was officially diagnosed with the apnea and provided with a home machine, his health dramatically improved.

It's been one year today since that trip to the ER. I started this post by saying I am blessed. His doctor told us in the ER if he had waited just a day or two longer to come in, he would not have walked in at all. I was literally hours away from losing him. I spent that week helping him get out of bed, ordering his meals, adjusting his oxygen and cpap as he slept. Watching over him. I chased away the techs who stuck him so hard he cried and requested someone with more experience. I helped cut his food for him because both hands were full of IVs. Nursed him when the nurses were busy with others. Loved him.

I'm fighting tears right now. I'm so lucky to have my husband still with me. He will have CHF forever and I thank God every day each morning when we wake. He has been in Normal sinus rhythm for a year now. The longer he stays in rhythm, the better his chances are he won't slip out. The chance will always be there, but it gets smaller as each day passes. Rob wears a watch with a heart monitor. He checks his pulse several times a day. He gauges his weight by his wedding ring. He takes his cocktail of medications (5 total) twice a day. He walks and sees his doctor.

I fall asleep beside him every night, thankful he is a bed hog. Thankful he wears a noisy mask to sleep. Thankful he is alive.

The Trach Tie

While I was off from work and sorting through boxes, I came across a stray trach tie. It had been used and somehow ended up in a box instead of the trash. The SMELL, oh my goodness, it REEKED of my baby! I balled it up against my nose and cried tears of sorrow and happiness. I called Rob and the boys over and we all smelled and remembered Tommy. Matthew asked to keep it and I told him no. I shoved it in my pocket and went back to work going through boxes.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon. I opened the washer to put everything in the dryer and in the bottom lay the trach tie. I had accidentally washed my jeans with it in the pocket. The smell was gone. I was so sad, but I knew Tommy was still here with me. I still search for his smell every day. I hope as I go through more boxes, I will find more things with his smell.