Today, I was walking around a second hand store, browsing while waiting for Brandon to finish a class with 4H. I heard a song and wanted to walk away, but the person I was with asked me to follow them. This was the song playing. It's one of two songs that will bring tears to my eyes and bring Tommy to my thoughts. As I stood there, holding back my tears, I looked up and saw right in front of me a picture of Nemo on a child's place mat. It couldn't be! As the song ended, we continued walking around. My friend noticed a KISS 45. It was "I Was Made For Loving You" and written on the cover was my name. Weird. As we rounded the corner, I was thinking of how to tell my friend about all of these coincidences when a statue caught my eye. It was a fairy. Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE fairies. I picked it up to get a closer look. It had one of those brass nameplates on the front.
It said "Heaven Sent".
That was too much! I could feel the love around me. I've not been having the best of days lately. I needed to "hear" from my sweet boy. Saturday is his birthday. He would have been 4. I've tried not to dwell on him and his memory so much for the past couple of weeks. Remembering him on his Angelversary was just a month ago. I guess there's good and bad that the dates are so close together, but once I've gotten past them and my mind settles down from dealing with the pain, I start gearing myself up for CHD Awareness. I don't know how much I can do this coming year.
I've really pulled away from keeping up with CHD families. Or should I say, following updates. It's all so much. The pain, the doctors appointments, the surgeries, the recovery. Death. The memories never go away. I don't want to say that I'm ignoring Tommy's memory, but I'm trying to dwell less on him in my mind. The love is always there, the fond memories are there. I just can't keep watching him die over and over in my head, and every time I read a new update, I want to cry.
Don't get me wrong, I love CHD and special needs families and I try to say a little prayer for them when I learn that they need it. I just don't think I have it in me right now to be as vocal and active as I have been in the CHD community. I need to recharge my batteries. I think today was Tommy's way of letting me know he's always with me and that it's okay to feel like I need a break.
I'm not abandoning my blog. It just might be a little while before I update. Be patient. I'm still here!