I'm still trying to come to terms with how I feel about God. I don't mean to be disrespectful or bash a religion. These are MY personal beliefs. Before Tommy, I prayed, even went to church when I could. After he was born, it became difficult to pray.
I felt like anything I prayed for would question or disrespect God. How could I ask for Tommy to be made whole when God had made him this way? How could I pray for healing when I knew it wouldn't happen? Tommy would never wake up one day without heart defects just because I prayed. Would he?
If Tommy went into surgery, I didn't know what to pray for. Asking God to keep him safe was like saying He wouldn't keep him safe if I hadn't asked. Then again, what if it was God's will to take Tommy? It wasn't my choice. He wasn't mine, I just had the honor of being his Earthly mother.
I still question my relationship with God. I believe in Him. I know I am loved and one day I will go to Heaven and be with my sweet Tommy again. I guess it's not God I have an issue with, it's Prayer. How do you ask God, all knowing, omnipotent God for something? How could I ask for something so selfish as keeping Tommy here on Earth with me, no matter how much it hurts me? How do I ask for Him to comfort me when I know Tommy is in Heaven, so why do I still grieve him?
I feel like I am a child and I don't have the right to ask for anything. I was told yesterday when I was having financial problems to go to church and talk to God. All I could think was "God won't pay my bills, that's why I'm well enough to work." How do I ask the God that took my son from me for money? I know... He didn't take him.... I have a love/hate relationship with that thought.
I tell myself over and over that it was God's will, that God is never wrong...but I find myself thinking things like "Why should I ask God for anything when he took the one thing from me that meant everything?" or "God didn't save my son, so why should I have any faith that He is going to provide me with anything?"
I'm thinking I have more issues than I thought I did when I started writing this.