Thursday, June 10, 2010

Searching Dreams

This evening, I fell asleep on the couch. I had a dream that I can't shake. I've had similar dreams in the past, but this time, it was off kilter. It bothered me.

When we left Charleston, we put everything in storage before we moved. There were a few things we decided not to take and a couple things we forgot. Like our kitchen table. It was an antique that I had picked out and bought earlier that year. I just loved it! However, we had just buried our son, lost all of our income and were losing our home. To say my head wasn't screwed on straight is an understatement. We had set several things on top of it that we were going to throw away and somehow, the table just managed to get left behind. We didn't realize it until we were out of the state and there was no going back. It was the only thing we left that I gave a second thought over. There was nothing else sentimental, worth value or just something I wanted to keep.

For the past year, I've been having a recurring dream that we end up in Charleston in the middle of the night and find that our trailer is still there with ALL of our things left inside. We no longer live there and we are not supposed to go inside because it doesn't belong to us anymore, but we break in anyway. I frantically start going through things and we pack up a truck all night long. We take what we can and always have to flee because we are about to get caught.

As the months progress, in my dreams, we've gone back several times. Each time, I'm looking in different rooms and packing different things. Most of the things in the dream I've never even owned in my real life, but in the dream, they're mine and it's important things. Every dream has just been me and Rob, sometimes with sometimes without Matthew and Brandon. It doesn't seem Tommy ever existed. I don't even remember him in my dreams. Like he was never there.

In reality, when we left the house for the last time, we made a point to make sure we took part of Tommy with us. We wrapped up a couple of his favorite toys in one of his blankets and said a prayer. We told Tommy it was time to go with us. Then we put those things in a special box that I carried with me when we traveled, not left in storage. A few months later, my husband went to Charleston without me and brought back our things. Nothing was missing except that silly table.

Tonight when I had my dream, it was the same. We end up in Charleston. Me, Rob, Matthew and Brandon. We set to work packing, but instead of finding all of these things that we've left behind, I walk in to find we've already been there before and that this is a second trip for us. There won't be much we haven't already taken. Instead, I find stacks of newspapers in all of the rooms. Like I've saved several copies of the same paper. I get a feeling in my dream that every paper has an article about Tommy. I dream that he has a scar on the side of his face from some sort of burn, and that the papers talk about him. I feel he is gone and I cannot go back ever again. I leave all of the papers in the house and take a few of my clothes. That's it. There's no truck full of boxes to haul away this time. Just memories. Sad, sad memories.

I have no idea what the dream means. It was upsetting to see the scar on my sweet baby's face and I have no idea why my mind would see that. I woke up very sad and wondering what it all meant. Closure? Healing? I don't know. I can't go back to that house. It doesn't exist anymore. It was a mobile home on a lot that has probably been moved or resold to someone else. I don't know what I'm searching for. I always hoped my dreams would guide me to what I'm looking for in my life, but this time, I have no clue. I'm lost.

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Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries