I have been asked to attend a Women's Revival Saturday morning. The topic is dealing with losing your child and grief. The lady that invited me, Lisa, lost her children 4 years ago in a fire. Yet, she reaches out to me and tells me that what I have gone through is worse. Much worse. In our talks this past week, she has asked me to speak tomorrow as well. She thinks God will speak through me, hoping to help someone there that needs to be spoken to. I have agreed.
I am conflicted by Lisa telling me that what I have gone through is worse. Losing a child is losing a child. She says because Tommy was sick and we knew he would be born sick that essentially we grieved from the moment he was born. I guess she is right. I never looked at it that way before, but it makes sense. I grieved a healthy pregnancy that I did not have. I grieved not having my perfect, healthy child. I grieved unmet milestones and delays. I just never knew that was what I was feeling.
I am really looking forward to tomorrow. My sorrow is changing. It no longer holds me down and drags the tears out of me. My sorrow is beginning to turn into positive things. If talking about surviving Tommy's death helps ONE person tomorrow, then it will all have been worth the struggle.
I never thought I would see this day. The day God let my heart start to heal and allow me to say that I am at peace. I will never stop loving my little boy, but I've moved into a place where I can love him even more, if that were ever possible. Tommy has moved into a special place in my heart and is always near. He allows me to reach out to those hurting and share his love.
The sweet little boy who lived inside of my body and was given life by my life has done the same for me. His life has given me MY life. A new purpose, a hope, and reason to live again. His memory will help me reach out to those hurting and show them what love is. Tommy was perfect love. Tomorrow, I will use that love to let the Spirit guide my words. As long as he lives in my heart, Tommy lives on forever.