Happy New Year! I know it will be a wonderful year. I have been saying how rotten that 2008 was, but truth be told, there were some great moments! Tommy learning to say "mama", Matthew and Brandon going to public school, the laughter and the fun we had as a family. The joyous memories that were made. Our family misses Tommy, but we have only good memories of him! I cannot think of any sad times with him. Yes, he was ill, and we had typical bad days that any family would.
I miss changing trach ties and 3 a.m. trips to the ER! All of the hard work with Tommy never seemed like work. I don't know why this year was so challenging, and I wish Tommy were still with us. I am forever changed. My outlook on life has changed. I used to be rushed and precise. Nothing matters so much anymore. We take longer with our errands, we take time to just play around every day.
Our old bedtime routine used to be breathing treatments, medications, moving equipment and fighting with the older boys to just go to bed as I was dropping on the couch at midnight for a few hours of sleep. Now, there are bedtime stories and prayers every night. No fights at bedtime. Life isn't better, is isn't worse. Just different. I miss Tommy's devilish attitude and fighter spirit. But because he is gone, I can now see what I was missing too. Its not a trade off. I wish I could have it all.
2009 will be a year of healing, of raising awareness, of learning about myself and thoughtful meditation. Of loving my husband, parenting my children, and remembering the smell of Tommy's head and the constant twinkle in his eye.