Monday, April 12, 2010

Missing So Much.

I miss my old life. I miss the smell of the hospital. I miss the elevators. I miss knowing so many people in the hallways. I miss therapy. I miss deliveries of medical supplies that made my house look like a hospital.

I miss getting up every morning and doing trach care. I miss setting up the feeding pump and hearing it beep to be refilled at 3 in the morning. I miss the sound of the humidifier and concentrator. I miss sponge baths and the smell of baby shampoo.

I miss the sound of trachy belly laughs. I miss the sound of the suction machine. I don't miss the smell of the suction machine, though. I miss the clack-clack of the swing. I miss the sound of your toys. I miss the smell of your head.

I miss tripping over oxygen tubing. I miss adjusting your trach mask every ten minutes because you liked to chew it. I miss your stubborn, silly attitude. I miss your smile.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your scars.

I miss the sound of oxygen tanks clanking in the back of the van.

I miss the cuddles.

I miss the kisses goodnight.

I can't listen to "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" without crying.

I miss "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

I miss your adorable cheeks.

And your little chicken legs.

I miss your blue lips.

And messy straw colored bed-head.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your stinking attitude problem when you didn't want to stack blocks or color.

I miss the way you lit up when Sarah brought out the giant gumball toy.

I miss the look of satisfaction when you figured out how to manipulate a new toy.

I miss your beautiful, beautiful smile that lit up the room and warmed my heart.

I miss being your mom. I miss the chaos. I would gladly take back that life again. I would spend every day in the hospital with you if I had to. I would do trach care forever and a day. Feed you through your tummy without batting an eye. Push you in a stroller until I was old and feeble.

I would deal with our lives being filled with therapists, doctors, specialists and advocates. I would fight with the pharmacy every single month when your prescription was denied yet again. I would deal with the machines. I would go on 3 hours of sleep a day.

I would stack medical supplies to the ceiling in every single room.

I would sacrifice everything I have, everything I love, the air that I breathe.

For one more moment with you.


Alicia said...

Rene, that was beautiful. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. Thank you for sharing your heart today.

Susan said...

I can only imagine how much you miss sweet Tommy. Thanks for the reminder of how lucky I am. And extra kiss and hug to Miss Ainsley for Tommy, tonight.

Christy said...

I'm terrified that I will feel exactly the way you do one day. Some of your posts hit so close to home for me. And my heart aches for you. Please know that Tommy touched many of us.

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects

Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries