I'm still trying to come to terms with how I feel about God. I don't mean to be disrespectful or bash a religion. These are MY personal beliefs. Before Tommy, I prayed, even went to church when I could. After he was born, it became difficult to pray.
I felt like anything I prayed for would question or disrespect God. How could I ask for Tommy to be made whole when God had made him this way? How could I pray for healing when I knew it wouldn't happen? Tommy would never wake up one day without heart defects just because I prayed. Would he?
If Tommy went into surgery, I didn't know what to pray for. Asking God to keep him safe was like saying He wouldn't keep him safe if I hadn't asked. Then again, what if it was God's will to take Tommy? It wasn't my choice. He wasn't mine, I just had the honor of being his Earthly mother.
I still question my relationship with God. I believe in Him. I know I am loved and one day I will go to Heaven and be with my sweet Tommy again. I guess it's not God I have an issue with, it's Prayer. How do you ask God, all knowing, omnipotent God for something? How could I ask for something so selfish as keeping Tommy here on Earth with me, no matter how much it hurts me? How do I ask for Him to comfort me when I know Tommy is in Heaven, so why do I still grieve him?
I feel like I am a child and I don't have the right to ask for anything. I was told yesterday when I was having financial problems to go to church and talk to God. All I could think was "God won't pay my bills, that's why I'm well enough to work." How do I ask the God that took my son from me for money? I know... He didn't take him.... I have a love/hate relationship with that thought.
I tell myself over and over that it was God's will, that God is never wrong...but I find myself thinking things like "Why should I ask God for anything when he took the one thing from me that meant everything?" or "God didn't save my son, so why should I have any faith that He is going to provide me with anything?"
I'm thinking I have more issues than I thought I did when I started writing this.
Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries
3 comments:
Rene, just so you know, I don't think these are questions that anybody wouldn't have asked. I truly believe they are perfectly normal. I do have the utmost faith and pray on a regular basis...but there are still SO many things I question! I think it's just because we are HUMAN.
Rene, I don't think these are questions that anyone wouldn't have had. I have the utmost faith and pray on a regular basis. But there are still so many things I question and wonder about. I truly think it's just because we are HUMAN!
Rene, first off I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your son. I can't imagine what you're going through but I do know that God loves you very much. Also you can ask God for anything, there is no problem too big or too small for God to handle. With that being said it doesn't mean he will answer all our prayers the way that we want them answered but when we pray we must have faith for the Bible teaches us without faith we can't please God. When we don't get the answer we want we must understand that God is soverighn which means no matter how much we want something or believe God can do it he still has the final say and we can't twist his arm. If he chooses not to answer our prayer the way that we like or as soon as we like we must understand his ways are not our ways his thoughts are not our thoughts and him be our loving heavenly Father we must trust in his wisdom that there was a greater purpose that the outcome fulfilled even if we don't see it. Romans 8:28 And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I encourage you to continue putting your trust in God, there are women in this world going through the same thing you are and they don't have God carrying them through it. God can use you to help others. Most importantly continue to go to church, read your Bible daily, and focus on your personal relationship with Jesus Christ, don't give up and he will bring you through this. Moses had to go through the storm of his life before he ever saw a rainbow.
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