Right before Tommy was scheduled for his first heart cath for what we thought would prepare us for his Glenn, we jumped many hurdles to bring him to Kentucky to meet our families for the first time. While we were here, Rob and I took a walk around his grandparent's property. Looking at the beauty and isolation, I was smitten. I felt at home even though I had never lived here. As I looked around at how far we were from just a grocery store, I realized that if there were ever an emergency with Tommy, we could never get him to a hospital in time. My dream of living out in the country drifted away. As long as Tommy had medical issues, we had to live close to a facility that could treat him quickly.
When Tommy passed away, again, I found myself standing on his grandparent's property. I was filled with such peace. The beauty all around me reminded me of Tommy. Every time the breeze touched my cheek, I felt his kiss. It was quiet, open, serene. Everything my life had not been up until that point.
Then we walked into the trailer that would become our home. Although a bit smaller, it was nearly identical to the one where we lived in Charleston. It was calming and haunting all at the same time. I can't explain it. Living here makes me feel wrapped in Tommy's love. I often visualize him running through the fields, laughing and playing without a care in the world. I think he picked this place for me to live so that I could heal after he died. I never want to leave.
Every day, I wake up and take the kids to the bus. When I turn around and start to walk home, every single day, it still takes my breath away. My lungs fill with the country air, the wet grass sticking to my feet. The sound of the cows next door and across the street. The sun streaming over the trees. If I could see Heaven, I'm sure it looks exactly like this.
1 comment:
I'm glad you found "home".
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