I still find it strange how some things change over the course of a year while others stay the same. This time last year, I was sick with anticipation about how I would feel on Tommy's angelversary. This year is so different. I have so many wonderful things planned for that week. I feel my life-force returning to me. Yes, I still miss him. Yes, I still cry for him and dream about him at night. Some days I feel like I'm just ready to get off this ride. That part will never go away, but the part that lets me be happy has slowly returned.
Tommy's life was a study in celebrating the moment. Every little thing was new, exciting and sometimes scary. We had very low times, but the good times were amazing. Little things like trying to catch a bubble, laughing at his brother, or chewing on his oxygen tubing on purpose just to see that look on my face. He was all boy.
After he was gone, life took on a new meaning for me. Nothing mattered anymore. The long term was gone and only the moment mattered. I'm slowly letting myself see that there are things to look forward to in my future, but for the most part, I am happy with living moment to moment.
I love to wake up and hear a thunderstorm. I love to smell the honeysuckle in my yard. I never plan menus. I cook what I'm in the mood for at the time. Life is FULL of wonderful moments! Never forget that each moment is precious. Make every hug count. Never be afraid to say how you really feel. Don't be afraid to show emotions that the rest of the world might frown upon.
The next two weeks is going to chock-full of MOMENTS as we lead up to Tommy's Angelversary. I'm going to celebrate my birthday..I'm going to go see (hopefully) Joan Jett at the State Fair. I'm going to put pink highlights in my hair. I'm going to take the time off from work to be with family and friends to watch Kenny Wallace race his car in Bristol, TN with my sweet baby's name on the hood (along with many others). I'm going to blow lots and lots of bubbles and I'm probably going to cry.
I will hug my kids a million times. I will pet my cats. I will dream. Moments, moments, moments. Cherish every single one.
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Diagram of Tommy's Heart Defects
Double Inlet Left Ventricle with Transpostion of the Great Arteries
2 comments:
There will be a candle in the window and bubbles on the wind. I'm thankful to have two things to celebrate on this bittersweet day...Rooster's Angelversary and My LiLi's 1st. birthday. Funny how time flies...
Rene I still remember the shock of hearing of Tommy had earned his wings. I had been so happy for you about his hard won decannulation and could not believe that things changed so quickly and he was gone. Has it truly been two years? I will blow bubbles with my children in Tommy's honor. Cry your tears. May they cleanse your soul. Hugs.
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