Today, What Would Have Been

Today, you would have been 3 and 1/2. It's your half birthday. Except I'm not hugging you, tickling your feet or ruffling your hair. I'm looking out the front door at the rain. Just like the day you died and the week after. Heaven's tears.

I'm not sad. I'm melancholy. Reflective. What would you being doing today? Would we have gotten the trach out for good and would I be rolling my eyes as I shushed you and your brothers? Would you be walking? Maybe? I don't know how your skinny little chicken legs would have ever held you up, much less took a step. I imagine, as I look out my door that I would see you running. Picking flowers. Laughing. Hair all a mess and dirty feet.

Some days are easier to get through than others. Today was an easy day. I thought about you fondly. Only one or two tears welled up in my eyes.

Matthew has a hard time. He hates hearing the sound of your name. Brandon on the other hand, loves to see your picture and talk about you all the time. They fight a lot. I have to remind them that they have each other.

Daddy loves you, but he's quiet about it. He's very private with his grief. Sometimes we will talk about you and he will stop me and tell me it's enough.

I can't stop talking about you. You're my hero. You made me who I am today. I wish I could say that to your face, but even if I could, you're only 3 and 1/2 today. For everything you'd been through in your short life, you would have probably understood.

Would you still be signing? Be in preschool? Grown into the Terrible Twos? What I wouldn't give to spend a day in Heaven to see how you've grown.

I love you, sweet Tommy. On your Third and a half birthday. I love you every day. I miss you more and more. The physical pain of losing you has subsided, but the longing, the aching, the feeling of closing my eyes and reaching for you in thin air never goes away. I know you are just beyond my grasp. Just beyond my senses, and yet, somehow, I feel you there. I feel you in the whispering wind.

I see babies nearly every day. The ones that are younger than the day you died must have met you in Heaven. They smile knowingly at me and I know that they know I am your mom. It comforts me and fills me with love knowing you told them about me. The older ones let me see how big you would be. Gosh, 3 year olds are tall!

Keep taking care of my heart for me. Someday, when I get to Heaven with you, we can share it again. Happy Half Birthday. I love you always.