Had I known?

One of the sweet kids I have met online is possibly nearing the end stages of his life. I'm holding out for a miracle, but...

It got me thinking about Tommy's last days. Previously, when we were told that things didn't look good, we got ourselves prepared. We spent our time with Tommy, took lots of pictures, and just waited out whatever the issue was, whether it was pulling through heart surgery or an illness. When he did pass away, it was completely unexpected. No warnings, no preparations, just WHAM!

As this family enters the end stages with their son, and hearing about other families that knew the end was near I have to admit I feel a twinge of jealousy. I didn't get to tell him goodbye. I didn't get those last few pictures. Of course he knew I loved him, but I wanted to TELL him one last time. Had I known that the 45 minutes the team worked on him would have been in vain, I would have asked them to stop and let him pass away in my arms. I was in the room for his first breath and there for his last.

From the last moment I held him alive in my arms until the time I held him again after his death was less than an hour. I wish I had some warning. His dad didn't get to hold him one last time before his death. He arrived at the hospital as they called time of death and the doctor placed his lifeless body in my arms. So many people missed saying goodbye. His grandparents, his brothers.

If only I would have had an inkling that it was the end. Even as the team performed CPR and filled his body with shot after shot of medications to restart his heart, I never thought for a moment that I was watching my son die. I had complete confidence that he was just being stabilized. Even when the doctor told me there was no hope left, I thought he was an idiot. He did not know my Tommy and what a fighter he was!

But in the end, Tommy had stopped fighting. I wish I could have given him a little pep talk beforehand. Something, ANYTHING to prepare myself for his death! In 5 more days, it will be 8 very long months since that horrible day. It has only been in the passed couple of months that I have been able to let myself cry it out. Sure, I have cried many time before over his death. Those were tears of pain and grief. These are tears of cleansing and dealing with that pain.