A Peek at Me

I'm more than just a mom of special needs kids. More than mom to an angel in heaven. Problem is the "more" part kind of gets lost sometimes. I keep trying to be more of an adult and less of a mom, but mom seems to shine through no matter what. I know I will always be a mom, but I won't be a mom to young kids forever. Someday they will grow up and I want to be able to have an identity outside of just being their mom. So here is a little peek at me. Rene. The person, not the mom everyone knows.

I wear obnoxious and funny tee shirts. I have one that says "The Zombies Are Looking For Brains, Don't Worry, You're Safe", and another that says "You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Work Here, They'll Train You". I wear them both to work on a regular basis.

I am a technology junkie.

My nickname is "Internet Queen" for my keen ability to find obscure things on the internet in a matter of minutes after friends and family have searched for hours. I have internet access 24/7, even on my phone just so I can look things up as they cross my mind, as they often do.

I'm slightly obsessed with my status updates on Facebook. I can use them for good....and for evil.

I'm a tomboy at heart. I rarely wear makeup. Mostly because I'm too lazy to put it on. On the other hand, once warm weather is here, I ditch my shoes for flip flops and paint my toenails. I'm a t shirt and jeans kind of girl. Don't even own a dress, much less heels. Nope, just one pair of tennis shoes for work and more flip flops than one person should be allowed to have. Dressing up can be a challenge. I clean up okay, but actually finding something I own that appears dressy is the problem.

I back talk to my boss. I think he likes it.

I wear my hair in a ponytail with bangs. Mostly because it's stick straight, falling out and so thin, I can't do much else with it. I kept it really short for years, but hubby mentioned he liked it long about a year ago, so I decided to grow it out. I dyed it black on a whim over New Year's and I love it more than anything I've ever tried. Except it's been 8 weeks since my last dye job and I have gold roots. Time to cough up the $5.00 for more dye.

I'm religiously confused. I was raised Fundamental Baptist, joined the Christian church in high school, became a pagan around the time I was 21, and eventually baptized Mormon. I've come to accept there is no set organized religion for me. It doesn't matter what path I walk down as long as it gets me to the same God that I know and love.

I can make sushi.

I love crime drama. Currently, hubby and I are watching the series "Bones" on Netflix. We started with the pilot and are watching them all in order. We cover about 3 shows a night. We did the same with CSI and Law and Order, SVU.

I'm a cat person. I can't stand dogs.

I'm not crafty, but I am creative.

I want to travel. Everywhere. The world fascinates me. My dream is to buy an RV and drive to every obscure town in America. I want to taste the food, hear the accents, see each and every river and stream on the map. I don't know how to drive yet.

I'm 38 and I'm pretty sure when I grow up, I'll still want to be working in a gas station. As a matter of fact, I want to own my own store. I love it!

I'm sarcastic. As a matter of fact, everyone I'm related to biologically is sarcastic as well. I think it's a dominant gene in our family tree. We also love to laugh. I am the oldest of 6 kids and our mom is the ringleader. You never know what's going to come out of any of our mouths at any moment, but once you've gotten over the shock, you're probably laughing right along with us.

I work with my sister. I'm 5 years older, but we look so much alike that customers that have known us for years are shocked to find out that there are actually 2 of us and not just one person working all day long. People pick up conversations with both of us that they were having with the other, only to find out we are not the person they were talking to originally. The best part is when one of us stops by when the other is working and someone realizes there are two of us. Then to find out we are not twins is even funnier. Mostly its a lot of pointing back and forth with a confused look.

So there are a few things about me. I hope you enjoyed getting to know ME a little better as a person and not somebody's mom.

Does Not Play Well With Others

I need to vent. Really Vent. There are people in my life that don't have any business there. I've tried to like these people, but I can't. Maybe I can smell the B.S. on them. Whatever the reason, I've decided I don't have to like anyone. It seems to me that every time I've had a real-life, honest to goodness, living, breathing friend, they've taken advantage of me, annoyed me, lied to me or flat out hurt me. I don't have any more of those living, breathing friends, and honestly, I'm sick and tired of trying to make them.

The ones that I can count on live all over the country and I've never met any of them face to face. We email, text, Facebook and so on, but I've never met anyone. Truth be told, it scares me. I'm fairly certain that we would get along wonderfully if we were ever to have the opportunity. But after what's happened to me lately by someone that was supposed to be on my side, I'm a little gun shy in the friend department. Sure, my online friends keep my deep dark secrets for me and I'm there for them if they ever need a virtual shoulder to cry on. Why can't I meet these people for real instead of online?

Instead, the people that cross my path pretend to be a friend to my face while twisting the truth about what they think are facts, then can't understand why I'm upset. I'm so done with the whole friend thing. Seems like I can't trust anyone I meet in person these days. I seem to draw losers like flies to honey. I hate that. I long for just a couple true friends. Someone I can call up and go to the grocery with or take the kids to the park together. Someone I can share secrets with and know they will stay a secret. Someone that won't spread rumors about me or try to break up my marriage.

The virtual world has been good to me. I've met MANY wonderful people and have few I consider to be close friends. But they're so far away. I guess I'm the type that doesn't play well with others. I'm not sure if I ever will be the type that will.

Missing So Much.

I miss my old life. I miss the smell of the hospital. I miss the elevators. I miss knowing so many people in the hallways. I miss therapy. I miss deliveries of medical supplies that made my house look like a hospital.

I miss getting up every morning and doing trach care. I miss setting up the feeding pump and hearing it beep to be refilled at 3 in the morning. I miss the sound of the humidifier and concentrator. I miss sponge baths and the smell of baby shampoo.

I miss the sound of trachy belly laughs. I miss the sound of the suction machine. I don't miss the smell of the suction machine, though. I miss the clack-clack of the swing. I miss the sound of your toys. I miss the smell of your head.

I miss tripping over oxygen tubing. I miss adjusting your trach mask every ten minutes because you liked to chew it. I miss your stubborn, silly attitude. I miss your smile.

I miss your eyes.

I miss your scars.

I miss the sound of oxygen tanks clanking in the back of the van.

I miss the cuddles.

I miss the kisses goodnight.

I can't listen to "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" without crying.

I miss "Itsy Bitsy Spider".

I miss your adorable cheeks.

And your little chicken legs.

I miss your blue lips.

And messy straw colored bed-head.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your stinking attitude problem when you didn't want to stack blocks or color.

I miss the way you lit up when Sarah brought out the giant gumball toy.

I miss the look of satisfaction when you figured out how to manipulate a new toy.

I miss your beautiful, beautiful smile that lit up the room and warmed my heart.

I miss being your mom. I miss the chaos. I would gladly take back that life again. I would spend every day in the hospital with you if I had to. I would do trach care forever and a day. Feed you through your tummy without batting an eye. Push you in a stroller until I was old and feeble.

I would deal with our lives being filled with therapists, doctors, specialists and advocates. I would fight with the pharmacy every single month when your prescription was denied yet again. I would deal with the machines. I would go on 3 hours of sleep a day.

I would stack medical supplies to the ceiling in every single room.

I would sacrifice everything I have, everything I love, the air that I breathe.

For one more moment with you.